If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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