I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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