i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
