we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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