I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He has the fingertips of a God
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
