...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
