4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
