guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
