Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
