I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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