Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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