Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
