people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
