dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
