Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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