His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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