Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
