i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
