I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
