Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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