I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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