its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize