tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Dignity is for republicans.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
