Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
