I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
