We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
