I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
