does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
