I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
They have beer where we have blood.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
