I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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