worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
