Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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