So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
