We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
