i think i have two assholes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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