i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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