about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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