I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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