I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
