Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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