Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Do you still have your period?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
