Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
