We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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