dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
