You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
