No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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