Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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