can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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