I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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