Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
