You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Success! We fucked roommates!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
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