Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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