New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
it was like eating out sand paper
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
