Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
