it hurts more in the daytime
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
